


Back to the Start

by ellewrites



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Death, First Time Blow Jobs, Future Fic, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-12 05:28:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7922275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellewrites/pseuds/ellewrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi visits Eren for the last time on the eve of his execution struggling with everything that it took him all of Eren's lifetime to say.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back to the Start

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the SnK Mini Bang run on tumblr, working in collaboration with rosesintea and kjtrandoms – though I have had this idea in my head for a long, long time and it feels very good to finally get it out. I don’t follow the manga that closely except for whatever spoilers come across my dash so while this is mostly manga compliant too, I can’t guarantee anything.

_ Tell me you love me  
_ _ Come back and haunt me  
_ _ Oh, and I rush to the start  
_ _ Running in circles  
_ _ Chasing our tails  
_ _ Coming back as we are  
_ __ Nobody said it was easy...

– Coldplay, “The Scientist”

* * *

It was dark. There was hardly enough light from the periodic windows to illuminate the way in front of them, and every twenty steps they would be plunged into darkness for ten until they reached the edge of the next window. It was deathly silent but for the echo of their footfall on the stonework steps. Although it had once been rare to catch Hanji in a silent moment, any more it seemed that even she had nothing left to say. It was over.

Over.

Over and over Levi thought about it and yet it still didn’t seem real. Not really real. Not real in any tangible way.

His entire life had been absorbed by this... thing. This fight. Everyone’s had. Yeah, life went on. There was celebrating, there was cautious optimism, there were court proceedings and coronations but for the most part people just seemed... shocked. Lost. There was so much loss, so many lives. There was no recovering from that. Not for... generations. 

Levi supposed that this was just one small step in making things right in the eyes of the people. He couldn’t conceptualize that – not even remotely – having worked beside Eren for so long. From being a mentor to a soldier to a – a friend... He knew Eren. He  _ knew _ him. Eren wasn’t a threat. 

And they threw him up here, alone, for the last few weeks of his life – locked away from anyone left who still cared about him. Levi had screamed at the bureaucrat he was finally directed to after days of trying to get permission to see Eren but he should be lucky he had only screamed. It was disgusting, disgraceful. Eren had saved all their sorry asses and they repaid him like  _ this _ . 

Hanji had finally managed to come through for him with her insider connections but as they climbed, the moon mocking him at every window, it just seemed like too little too late. They had what – eight hours? Ten if the execution was delayed? Levi felt sick. Though he would never admit it out loud, sometimes he wondered if humanity really deserved to triumph. After everything they’d been through, humans were still so fucking  _ cruel _ to one another.

“Almost there,” Hanji murmured. 

Levi grunted back a frustrated and sarcastic, “finally.”

When the stairs ended there was only a short atrium before a solid locked door. The place clearly wasn’t originally intended to be a prison and frankly it was somewhat poetic that it managed to remain standing after the final days of the attack and Eren was locked in it now. He remembered that Hanji had called it an astronomy tower, which made more sense but still – it certainly was nothing like the first time they met, although the situation wasn’t exactly dissimilar. Just, now...

Hanji began the grueling process of unlocking the several mechanisms bolting the door – as if they really mattered, given Eren’s ability. But that was how it always was, wasn’t it? False sense of security. Levi swallowed, the disgust a palpable thing that felt like it was trying to choke him. Eren was the only reason they could even claim such a thing as ‘security.’

The door swung open to a sparse room with nothing more than a bed and Eren sitting in the center of it, legs crossed, leaning against the wall, a hint of curiosity in his eyes as he watched the door that blossomed into a full out grin when he saw who it was. 

Gods – Levi’s breath caught painfully in his chest. He didn’t expect it but Eren... 

He was so full of fear and anger the first time they met – just a scrawny, pissed off kid. Now he was too thin, obviously underfed, face gaunt and eyes haunted with expectation but – he was a man, now. It hit Levi hard after not seeing him for weeks, the stark change within his friend, like he was looking at a double exposure of the other man – at fifteen and now at twenty. 

Eren was tall, muscular, no longer gangly and awkward, stubble thick on his cheeks and chin from neglect. But still – he was young, his eyes sparkling with his youth and all that fucking nonsense – still excitable, still Eren. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t  _ fair _ . 

“You – I –” Eren started, voice rough from disuse, clearly too thrilled to see them to even try to pretend otherwise. 

“Don’t get all choked up,” Levi muttered fondly as Hanji walked towards Eren to wrap him a hug. 

“How’d you get up here?” he asked after clearing his throat, looking between them as Hanji stepped back. 

She shrugged, spinning the keyring around her finger and winked. “You know – I have my ways.”

Eren looked down at his knees, swallowing and struggling to get his emotions under control. 

“Levi’s been working at it for weeks,” Hanji continued, much to Levi’s aggravation. Eren didn’t need to know just how shitty the people he’d saved were treating him. 

“Yeah – those fuckers,” Levi muttered, taking a step forward. “Don’t worry about it.” 

Eren swiped the back of his arm across his eyes and looked up again, smiling despite the fact he was obviously trying not to cry. 

“I’m glad you came.”

“We decided not to tell Mikasa,” Hanji admitted carefully, looking away despite herself. “I hope...”

“I understand,” Eren assured her quietly, pressing his mouth into his shoulder and taking a deep breath. 

Ever since the trial Mikasa had been utterly destroyed. Her scream at the sentencing still echoed in Levi’s nightmares. She went from outraged and dangerous – even being imprisoned herself albeit by Sasha in a small cottage in the country – to completely despondent the last he’d heard. To lose Armin in the final battle after everything they'd done to save him over the years and then to have Eren sentenced to death – it was too much for her. It was too much for anyone. After all they’d been through...

Hanji stroked her hand through his hair, unusually tender for her. “I’m so sorry it ended this way.”

Eren pushed her hand away gently and looked at her. 

“It’s okay – really. I’ve...” He took a deep breath and managed to smile. It was even convincing. Levi was impressed. “It’s okay.”

Hanji smiled back, but it was tight and strained. The age really showed on her face, here, in the dark, with this kid lying to her. But truthfully, though he had spent his entire life coping with loss and cultivating an image of indifference, Levi was glad he still had her. 

“I’m sorry I can’t stay,” Hanji said sadly and Levi knew she truly regretted it. “I have to return these keys before they learn I took them. But Levi wants to stay, yeah?” 

Levi nodded curtly as she glanced back at him, then turned back to Eren, laid a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed. 

“I’m not claiming any responsibility for him, though,” Hanji tried to joke though it fell flat. “I gotta lock him in here with you so now’s your chance to say no.”

“You don’t have to,” Eren said as he looked towards Levi, trying to act nonchalant. But then he turned away a little, seeming to shrink into his shoulders. “But it would be nice.”

Hanji looked at him and Levi nodded. For a moment she paused, uncertain, and then she leaned down, drew Eren’s head to her stomach and bent down to kiss it. 

“I’ll always miss you,” she whispered before stepping past Levi, touching his shoulder as she went. 

They waited there in silence, listening to the locks clicking behind Levi’s back, carefully not looking at one another. It was ridiculous – they had seen every inch of each other in the worst positions imaginable. Hell, Levi watched him go through puberty as well as titan transformations, watched him destroy and devour flesh as he stood alongside him. Now Levi couldn’t even look at him. 

He listened to Eren shift on the bed, listened to the distinct lack of bolts being slid. 

“Thank you,” he said, barely a whisper, snapping Levi from his rigor.

Levi looked back, their eyes met. There was something unfamiliar about those eyes just then, something like shyness in the pale moonlight that filtered through the glass pane windows. It was strange – almost uncomfortable. Levi didn’t know what to say. 

Eren scooted to the side a bit, offering Levi a place to sit beside him. As there was nearly nothing else in the room – no chair, no bookcase, no pillows even, nothing with which he might possibly kill himself before the public execution – Levi saw no choice but to take the offered seat. 

He shrugged out of his jacket as he stepped forward, laying it on the floor at the end of the bed as he sat down next to Eren. It was horribly disconcerting – how many times had they sat together like this? Covered in blood, in sweat, in entrails? Falling asleep as Hanji rambled? Just sitting together, quietly, as Levi sipped his tea? 

There were words on his tongue that seemed to strangle him every time he considered opening his mouth. Words had never been Levi’s strong suit. In his head he could construct elaborate speeches, beautiful turns of phrase, but every time he went to speak they came out stilted and awkward, crude and untenable. These words... Levi didn’t want it to be like that.

“I – I know I can’t,” Eren started, fingers picking at the small area of sheet that was accessible through the space that separated them them, “but I kinda wish I could’ve seen Mikasa one last time, you know? Let her know it was going to be okay.”

Levi grunted. That was a shitty idea and they both knew it. Nothing Eren said was ever going to convince her that it was ‘going to be okay.’ What was meant to happen tomorrow – that was  _ never _ going to be ‘okay.’

Although he didn’t look over at Eren, he heard Eren shift to look at him better. His breath was a sigh. 

“It will be... okay. You know?” 

“Fuck,” Levi growled, pressing his fingers to his eyes and running them down the bridge of his nose. “Stop it.”

Eren chuckled. It was a dark little thing accompanied by an elbow to Levi’s ribcage. 

“I guess it’s easier to be me.” Levi stole a glance at Eren from the corner of his eye – he was staring out the window fifteen feet above him with a soft smile on his face. “I get to be dead.”

Levi looked away again, following the pattern of the stone on the floor to the wall and back again. He hated that Eren had to think that, that he managed to make some weird kind of peace with his own death over the past few weeks trapped up here. Of course – Levi understood it was the only way he could face it. It was just... he shouldn’t have had to. He  _ shouldn’t have had to _ .

“You’re probably right,” Levi finally managed and for a minute there was total silence – and then Eren laughed. 

It wasn’t dark or scathing nor was it that anxious laugh of exhilaration at having survived something horrific that he’d heard a thousand times before. No – it was honest and bright and Levi felt his chest tighten tremendously because it was just... It was beautiful. 

“I know it’s fucked up,” Eren admitted, drawing one knee up under his arm and chewing absently on the side of his thumb. “Like... I know that. Don’t say it. This is all I can do – hope that this is what’s right.” 

Levi looked at him then, really looked at him. And Eren looked back, that innocence still there. It was amazing that he managed to experience so much shit in his life and still have... optimism. Faith. Whatever the fuck it was that kept him going. Levi was fueled by anger, by frustration, by stubbornness. And yeah, those things helped, but underneath it all, Eren was hopeful. Fuck.

“Shit – no,” Levi managed but Eren shushed him before he could get another word out. 

“I told you,” Eren said, looking away again. “Don’t say it. Just –” he took a deep breath “– sit with me?” 

So they sat. 

Levi was comfortable with silence – in fact, he prefered it to the meaningless conversation he was required to participate in with most people. And with Eren especially the silence had almost always been comfortable. It was just that now...

He thought of Eren bringing him tea at night, sitting with him for half an hour as he organized paperwork for the next day before willingly wandering down to his prison bedroom every night. He thought of Eren riding in the back of wagons with him, returning from failed field missions, bloody and exhausted, not needing to say anything at all to know they felt exactly the same way. He thought of Eren sitting next to him, watching the new recruits lug their weary bodies through the building, still managing to snipe at and harass each other with half-hearted verbal insults. He thought of Eren falling silent as they prepared formation strategies long into the night when there was nothing left to say, leaning into his space in a way that was strangely comforting. 

Now Levi’s heart was pounding, feeling every square inch of the space between them, knowing that this was it, the last time they would ever be so close. And it felt like – it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t  _ enough _ .

“This sucks.”

It wasn’t that he wanted to talk so much as that he couldn’t stand the thoughts in his own head any more.

“Which part?” Eren asked, smiling over his arm tucked around his knees, somehow seeming genuine despite the circumstances.

“The whole damn thing,” Levi answered, trying to match Eren’s levity and failing. “You were up here by yourself for how long?”

Eren closed his eyes and chuckled. The way the moonlight fell across his face made him look pale and ethereal for a minute, like he’d already crossed over and Levi was speaking with a ghost. 

“That part sucked,” he agreed, opening those beautiful big green eyes of his partway, staring at the floor, long lashes casting soft shadows across his cheeks. “I guess they wanted me to think about... I don’t know. But I thought a lot about what I would do differently and you know – there’s really nothing. Wish I could’ve saved Armin though...”

Levi’s frown deepened, knowing that feeling altogether too well. “There’s nothing you could’ve done.”

“I know,” Eren sighed, casting his eyes to the side. “Still.”

For a moment they lapsed into silence again as Levi considered that question, too. Except he knew what he would do if he had the chance to do it all over again. He would beg Eren to run – to run in the chaos of battle, to run away and never come back to these unappreciative assholes thirsting for his blood. 

“I did think of some stuff I would do if I could though,” he picked up with a grin, looking shyly in Levi’s direction and Levi almost didn’t want to know but his throat constricted and he couldn’t say anything to stop him. 

“I’d go see the ocean with Mikasa, take something of Armin’s and leave it there, you know? Stupid,” Eren laughed. 

“Not stupid,” Levi corrected as Eren continued, clearly trying not to think about it. 

“I’d learn to cook.” Levi blinked, surprised, and Eren grinned. “All this time and I realized I couldn’t even make a pot of rice if I wanted too. Someone has always cooked for me. I’d like to lean.”

Levi considered that, a half smile on his face as well. “I’m fucked.”

“You can learn for me,” Eren teased and Levi rolled his eyes. 

“I’m just going back to eating shit from dumpsters.”

“Oh come on!” Eren pushed him with his shoulder. “You have to promise me you’ll learn.”

Levi shook his head. “I fucking don’t.”

“Yes you do – I’m going to die tomorrow I get to ask for promises,” Eren shot back, mischief in his eyes, and Levi mocked a scowl. 

“Whatever.”

Eren returned a self-satisfied grin, knowing he had won – but the fact of the matter was there was nothing Levi could deny him, not now. Maybe not ever, but then Eren never asked for anything. That wasn’t how Eren was. It was a large part of why Levi was so – stuck. Or maybe the reason it took him so long to realize it. Eren never asked for anything but he gave it all. And Levi took without ever realizing. Not until Eren was finally asked to give everything he could. 

“What are you going to do – now?” Eren asked quietly, looking at him, eyes intent – or maybe not, maybe they just felt that way because he was nervous for the first time in a long time. “You know, besides learning to cook.”

The corner of Levi’s mouth twitched up but only for a second and he swallowed and looked away and didn’t know what to say. His whole life had been fighting and he didn’t really know what he was going to do. So many of the people he cared about were dead and maybe, maybe he thought foolishly that he and Eren were just – what? Going to be part of reconstructing the military or something, rebuilding cities or whatever but they’d do it together. And he’d never really thought much beyond that but fuck if he could work for the people who were going to kill Eren now and anyway – he couldn’t do any of that without Eren.

Levi just kind of shrugged. 

Eren leaned his head back against the wall, staring back up through the windows at the moon. “Yeah, I don’t really know what I’d do either.”

“I thought...” he murmured, rubbing a hand down his face, unsure why he even said anything at all. It didn’t matter what he said now. _ I thought we’d be together. _ What did that matter to a dead man?

“Hmm?” Eren asked, turning his face towards him and all Levi could see was his eyes.

His mouth was suddenly dry and his heart was pounding and Eren seemed entirely too close and in that moment Levi understood that this was it – no words mattered to a dead man and the man sitting next to him might as well be dead. All his life he was going to think about all the shit he’d wished he’d done – and fuck there were many, so many things he’d wished he’s said and done for Eren before this moment. But this moment was it. This was all they were ever going to have. 

Eren’s brows furrowed just slightly, head cocking to the side a bit, clearly uncertain of the intensity with which Levi was staring at him but Levi just reached out with one hand, pushing the raggedy and unkempt hair from his eyes as he moved forward to close the few inches between them and kiss him. 

Kissing wasn’t something Levi particularly appreciated and for most of his life he managed to avoid it. But kissing Eren... It felt right. It felt like the culmination of years of their relationship in one simple act, the only thing that could define them as people, as partners. 

Eren was warm and sedate, sinking into the kiss, not demanding, hardly kissing back, mostly just accepting it. But Levi could feel his hand tremble on the bed between them, could feel his long lashes flutter against his cheek as Eren closed his eyes. And he exhaled softly when Levi drew away, opening those big, green eyes to look at Levi. Levi’s hand fell from the back of his neck to the bed, resting next to his. 

“That’s what you thought?” Eren asked, voice sounding far away, a hint of a smile on his lips. 

Levi didn’t know what to say. Probably not – not if it hadn’t come to this. Probably would’ve taken Levi a few more years to realize it, maybe he never would’ve – if they’d remained working together, if Eren had the time to find a more appropriate lover, if he hadn’t had to deal with the trauma of the trial, if the idea of losing Eren now – after everything – hadn’t broken his heart. 

“It’s okay,” Eren mumbled, a faint blush rising on his cheeks, barely visible in the dim light but it made his face glow. “I figured you had to know how I felt about you after all this time.”

For a second Levi’s brows twitched in confusion, honestly surprised by the confession. But when Eren opened his mouth to speak Levi just leaned forward to kiss him again.

And Eren let him – eagerly – melted beneath him as Levi reached for his face, feeling across his cheeks with his thumbs, fingers cradling his neck. He could feel Eren’s fingers reaching for him, touching at the hem of his shirt hesitantly and then pulling away, face flushed. 

“Don’t,” Eren asked quietly, turning his face away. “Don’t feel like you have to do this.”

Levi grunted, leaning back against the wall again as his hand sought out Eren’s and he rested his own against it. 

“I don’t do shit I don’t want to do.”

Slowly Eren turned back to Levi, a hesitant smile on his face that Levi answered with a half-cocked grin. 

“You sure?” Eren asked.

“You know me?” Levi returned, rolling his eyes towards him – and then Eren was on him like a shot. 

Levi barely had time to blink before Eren was in his lap, pressing novice kisses to his lips as Levi fought to catch up. His hands found Eren’s hips as he deepened the kiss, nudging him along with his tongue. 

Eren was eager – more eager than any partner Levi had in a long time over the past few years of infrequent, exhausted, mediocre fucking just to release tension and feel something alive – and there was something thrilling about being  _ wanted _ the way Eren wanted him.

Levi wasn’t sure how much experience Eren had but Eren’s hips rocked against his, Eren’s crotch pressed into his abs, and he tried to slow him down, tried to get him to appreciate it. Maybe it was selfish – it didn’t matter to Eren, all he had was tonight. But Levi wanted to remember the way Eren felt when he had nothing left but memories.

It took a moment but Eren caught on. Levi could still feel his heart pounding in his chest, pressed tight against his own, but his breathing evened out as his kisses became more exploratory, less desperate, and the moment of his hips became more deliberate. Levi let his hands grip his ass, keeping him close, keeping the friction steady but not too much to push him too far. And for his effort Eren made these wonderful little needy noises, his hands gripping at his shoulders, pulling at the fabric of his shirt, clinging to his neck. 

Though Levi wanted him, none of this was ideal, and more than anything he wanted to show Eren that even though he was stuck up here alone for the few weeks before his death, in the end he was cared about. In the end, Levi would never forget him. 

Levi shifted, cradling Eren in his arms and using his strength and his thigh to turn him over onto his back on the bed. Eren was grinning, pulling him down to his lips again with eager hands, his knees pressing into Levi’s hips. And Levi indulged him, kissing him back for a moment before moving his mouth down his neck. 

He could feel Eren’s abs tense beneath his hand as he pushed up his shirt, feeling along his flat, taut stomach as he slipped his mouth across his pecs, nipping at one pert nipple before laving it with his tongue. 

“Oh shit,” Eren breathed, his breath a hard pant as Levi glanced up to gauge his reaction, watching Eren watching him, Eren’s fingers cradling his head, clearly predicting what was going to happen.

But Levi could tell he was into it so he let his lips traverse Eren’s warm flesh, tasting faintly of salt and sweat but not in a bad way, until he reached his pants. He slipped the button and the string at his crotch, watching his abs tremble in anticipation. 

Levi nuzzled his face against Eren’s cock, still in his pants, Eren's fingers twisting in his hair at the sensation, a little whispered “please” falling from his lips. It sent a jolt of hot lust straight to Levi's dick and he swallowed hard to keep his head.

He pulled Eren's pants down his hips, letting him spring free of the confines of the fabric, biting at the shallow dip in one hip to Eren’s desperate little pleas for what? He didn't even know. Levi couldn't place them as real words even but it didn't matter. The earthy scent of him was intoxicating and Levi trailed his nose across the soft hair of his legs to plant his lips on his shaft.

Eren's legs went rigid and his fingers stiff until Levi slipped his mouth over his head and he gasped “oh  _ fuck _ ” before stilling Levi's head with a tight grip until he caught his breath.

Levi went slow then, teasing him but not overloading him, taking in every muttered curse, every moan with the dedication of an archivist recording the experience for posterity. It had been – shit. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been with someone so inexperienced, let alone a virgin as he now suspected Eren was. Levi might have felt worse about it but he'd been through everything with Eren. Everything.

Eren was panting hard, sweating, trying in vain to keep his hips still but they jerked up every time Levi drew his mouth up, desperate to remain in that soft, wet warmth. Levi cupped his hand on Eren's balls and ran his fingers beneath them along the sensitive part there as he increased the suction with his mouth. He could tell Eren was close, that he couldn't hold it back any more as his dick swelled, and Levi prepared himself, going down as deep as he could.

Levi hated to swallow but when Eren came he did it willingly, trying to avoid that base, salty taste as much as possible and focus on the way Eren groaned and writhed, invoking a god Levi knew Eren didn't believe in as his eyes slammed shut and his toes curled.

His breathing was shallow as Levi lifted himself up to lay down beside him, managing to ignore his own erection in favor of the perfect look of bliss on Eren's face. Levi stroked back Eren’s damp hair as a smile worked its way across Eren’s face despite his best efforts to squash it. 

Eventually he gave up and turned to Levi, face flushed and smiling. Levi couldn’t help but let his lips twitch upward too. 

“Can we do that again?” 

He chuckled and Levi kissed his bottom lip, feeling more comfortable with him in that moment than he felt with anyone in his entire life. It was wonderful and it hurt so bad. Did he need to know this feeling? Did he need to know how relaxed he could feel with his dick hard against Eren’s thigh and his fingers in his hair and his face smiling back at him? When he would never have this again?

“Maybe in a bit.”

Suddenly Eren’s face became serious and Levi stopped toying with his hair. 

“Do you want... me to...?” he asked cautiously, the hand caught between their bodies twitching against his leg.

“No,” Levi affirmed resolutely, closing his eyes and resting his nose against the side of Eren’s face. “It doesn’t matter.”

For a long time they lay there, Levi listening to every breath he took, the air cooling dramatically as they lay on that tiny, lumpy mattress together. However, the longer they lay the angrier Levi got. Truthfully, Levi harbored a lot of anger, it was just that he was mature enough to know there was shit all he could do about it so he focused on what he could. But now it was like something within him cracked and now vile tentacles of rage were leaking out to strangle him in their grip

What kind of world were they born into? A world with monsters that fed on humanity for fun? A world that left orphans to make their way through it alone? A world where anyone he got close to – Isabel, Farlan, Petra, Oluo, Mike, Erwin,  _ god _ , now Eren,  _ everyone _ – was taken from him in heinous and violent ways? A world where even after everything they’d been through together, humanity was  _ still _ petty and ungrateful,  _ still _ willing to lash out and attack one another,  _ still _ wanting for blood?

He opened his eyes, stared at Eren’s face, perfectly smooth, lips parted just slightly as he drew in even breaths, eyes closed, lashes resting on his cheeks and maybe he had stubble and muscle and a serious messiah complex but Eren was still just a boy. A few years didn’t change the fact that in terms of life experience he was still just a boy and he deserved more than this life he was given. 

Levi was furious. What was this life? Simply to be born and then to die? It was over –  _ over _ – there should be more than this now! What did it prove? What good could Eren’s death do  _ now _ ? There was no good in this.  _ None _ .

“Leave,” Levi whispered, voice cutting even in it’s softness, not wanting to wake him up but wanting to say, it wanting to be able to say he said it. “Just – just leave.”

Eren’s eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, clearly confused as he was pulled from the edge of sleep. “Huh?”

“Transform – break out of here.” The urgency in Levi’s plea alarmed even him. “ _ Leave _ . Don’t let them do this to you.”

“Levi,” Eren mumbled, turning to look at him with bleary eyes. “Don’t.”

“Why not?” Levi demanded, growing stronger, more demanding. “Why are you so damn complacent? You’ve done  _ everything _ for them!”

In the moonlight Eren’s lazy smile glowed but Levi’s brows furrowed, angry, wanting to smack that smile off his face. How could he smile? How could he just – just be  _ okay _ with this?

“Where would I go?” he asked, his face so close Levi nearly could just see both his eyes, clear now. “They’re right, Levi – I’ll always be a threat. It’s –” 

“No,” Levi interrupted, shaking his head just slightly. “No.”

“It’s better this way.”

“No!” The back of Levi's fist hit the center of Eren's chest in frustration, but Eren didn't even flinch. “Go to your ocean! Go far away from here! Just – just don't –  _ give up _ ...”

Eren wrapped his arms around him, holding him close as he cried. It was ugly, the release of years of pent up anger and hurt, fear of the known and now the unknown, life beyond the next battle when all he knew how to do was stuff down all the pain. Each ragged sob a memory of someone who had died, each memory bringing with it another until he felt he would suffocate under the weight of so many ghosts on his back.

He wanted to go back, back to the start. It was horrible, horrible what they'd gone through but now, facing the end with no one left? God, if he only knew how it would end he would go back, appreciate every good moment more. The first time wasn't enough, he wasn't – he wasn't smart enough to know what a good moment was, wasn't smart enough to know that he needed to appreciate the little things more. The way Eren's eyes caught the moonlight, the way he smiled like the sun, the way he knew just how to brew his tea and thought to bring it to him before he even thought of it himself. The way they could be quiet together, the way he listened eagerly, the way his determination moved him. 

So many deaths and Levi still didn't know how to appreciate people while they were there and now Eren – Eren, his charge, his recruit, his trainee, his friend, the man he had unfortunately yet unmistakably fallen in love with – Eren would be gone too. And he missed it all. He missed fucking  _ everything _ .

After a while Levi managed to calm down but he kept his head buried against Eren’s chest, listening to his heart beating. Fuck, he was exhausted. He was tired in a way he couldn’t even begin to describe, straight down to his bones, all the way to his soul. And for a moment he thought maybe Eren was right, maybe it would be easier to be dead.

It wasn’t long before the comfort of Eren’s arms and the warmth lulled him to sleep. Not that he was conscious of it, he had no intention of falling asleep that night, but he woke up to narrow beams of light streaming unwelcome across his face and he blinked them back, burying his head deeper into Eren’s body.

Then he pulled back to look at the other man resting peacefully next to him and he wondered if he would be sleeping so easily if Levi wasn’t there. Gingerly he let his fingers trace across Eren’s forehead, brushing away a few stray strands of hair. He was gorgeous. He didn’t deserve this. Levi felt that hard, hot rush of emotion and forced it down before he was overwhelmed again and Eren’s nose crinkled a little as he stirred. 

“Levi?” he mumbled, blinking, and Levi just pressed his hand to his cheek and kissed him, morning breath and all. 

He wished Eren were still sleeping, still peaceful. He wished this moment hadn’t come. He wished that this kiss could last forever. He wished he could protect him from this. He wished Eren understood just how lovely he was. 

Eren relaxed beneath him, hips pressed hard against his and it felt good, comforting, warm. And Eren reached for him, running his fingers back through his hair, making him shiver, kissing him back. 

“Why did –” Eren started but Levi pressed back.

“I need you,” he whispered against his lips, wanting to cry – again – wanting to scream. 

It wasn’t sexual, it was... It was that he  _ needed _ him. Everyone was gone –  _ everyone _ . Why Eren? Why  _ Eren _ ?

“Let’s go back,” Eren murmured, tongue touching the edges of his lips, teasing. “Back to the st –”

The sudden sound of bolts turning jared Levi and he hunched over Eren, looking up, watching the door expectantly with a glare and a growl but Eren – Eren clung to him, holding him tight, pressing his face into his collarbones like he could make the whole world go away if only he held on tight enough and didn’t let go.

It was clear the peons that were charged with retrieving Eren were not expecting Levi to be there and they kind of just stared at each other for a minute, unsure of what to say. Finally they came up with “you need to leave” and Eren reluctantly lay back down. 

Levi looked down at him, laying on the bed, a little muscle at the edge of his jawline twitching as he tried not to frown and break into tears. It was crushing. Eren had been so nonchalant, so blasé and okay with everything but – here he was. And he didn’t want this any more than Levi did. 

Eren’s fingers clutched tighter to his shirt and Levi didn’t want to leave but when the head executioner opened his mouth to speak again Eren let him go completely, pushed at him a little. 

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “It’s okay.” 

But Levi didn’t agree. It  _ wasn’t _ okay. It was  _ never _ going to be okay. Not now or ever. And he looked Eren in the eyes – his gorgeous, clear, watering now but still beautiful, so beautiful, eyes– and Levi held his hand against Eren’s cheek for the last time, kissing him deeply, not giving a fuck about the assholes watching. 

“Leave,” he breathed as he pulled away, so quiet that only Eren could hear him, looking at him for the last time to make sure he understood. “ _ Leave _ .”

And then he left. He could feel Eren’s eyes on him as he grabbed his jacket and pushed past the government pawns to the door without looking back over his shoulder. It wasn’t that he didn’t  _ want _ to it was just that once he got moving, he couldn’t stop. 

He ran down all those hundreds of stairs, ran through the streets, ran past people who he didn’t even see, chicken crates and farmers bringing in produce and hay carts and horses, ran with his hair greasy and smacking in his face, ran until sweat was dripping in his eyes and still he ran and ran and ran as if he could outrun the whole damn world until finally he fell hard into a brick wall in an alley not far from the damned capitol building. His lungs burned, his legs hurt, his heart was racing, and it was so stupid because his eyes – 

Levi wiped at his face with the back of his arm and he’d liked to have pretended it was all sweat but it wasn’t and he didn’t know what he did with his jacket – maybe he dropped it a few miles ago – but it didn’t matter. 

Shaking he walked into the nearest inn, bypassing questions and going straight to the bathroom, taking a piss, splashing water on his face. He felt sick but he swallowed it down, fists straining on the sink. This was – it was such  _ bullshit _ . Levi couldn’t run from it, he couldn’t escape, it was going to happen, it could be happening  _ right now _ . Why didn’t Eren get it? Why didn’t he  _ run _ ?

He heard the nearest clock tower bells ringing out the last quarter hour, muted through the walls of the building but the tower was close, he was only blocks away from the capitol, afterall. The sound brought bile flooding back into his mouth and he spit into the sink. This was awful – unnatural. There was no way. Humans – humans shouldn’t  _ kill _ each other like this. Eren...

Eren should be taking care of Mikasa, taking her to their damn ocean, crying over Armin, arm in arm. Eren should be ranked in the military, sitting beside Hanji, coming up with stability plans to ensure peace between people for the next ever. Eren should be in his own bed, with some worthwhile lover, kissing and laughing and being touched in a way no one had touched him before. Eren – he  _ deserved _ that. He deserved so much more than this world had given him.

Levi’s fist impacted with the wall leaving a hole but he didn’t care – he just walked out. 

Without thinking he headed to the capitol square where the execution was to take place. The crowds were thick even a block from the square, where you couldn’t even see. He pushed through people quickly, getting pushed back as he went, slinking along the walls, heading to the capitol building. 

The throng was so thick here he wanted to scream – wanted to tell these people to all fuck off. The man they were about to watch die had saved them all, saved all their lives, and they were going to stand there and watch him die like some kind of spectator sport. It was fucking disgusting. Levi was livid. 

Levi scaled the wall of one of the two story buildings that flanked the capitol building with the ease of a long term survey corp member who’d been stranded with broken equipment more than once and his heart fell completely when he got to the top. 

For some reason he had believed it would be a standard hanging and he held out this little glimmer of hope that when the noose snapped Eren’s neck he would be unable to help a transformation from occurring. Whether he wanted it or not, Eren  _ would _ escape. But it looked like Levi wasn’t the only one who considered that possibility because there, in the middle of the square, gleaming cold and malicious, was a guillotine. 

Levi felt like he’d been punched in the gut, all the air rushing from his lungs as he stared at it, the ultimate symbol, the ultimate irony. Beheaded. His knees were weak and he sunk to the roof, pressing his forehead to his knees and trying to force himself to breathe. The chatter of the crowd made his stomach churn, the sound of his own pulse was giving him a headache, and he didn’t want to be there but he couldn’t leave. 

A hush fell over the crowd as the doors to the capitol building opened and Eren was escorted out in a black robe, wrists shackled behind his back, with a group of those government thugs walking alongside him. Levi’s eyes were pinned to him, his hands balled into fists so tight his palms were bleeding and his bones hurt but he couldn’t look away. 

They lead him straight to the guillotine. Levi tried to see his face, study it, but Eren gave nothing away, not from this distance. There were no tears, nothing, just a careful blank face. One of the men asked him something but he just gave a curt negative and nothing further was said. 

Willingly Eren got to his knees before the device. Levi couldn’t bear it. He felt like his whole chest was on fire and he realized he was crying but he didn’t move. This was it.  _ This was it _ . The final sacrifice. No one else would have to die but – but Eren...

Carefully he lay his neck down beneath that murderous blade and Levi would’ve sworn he didn’t breathe. There was a man parroting human speech in front of Eren to the crowd but Levi either was too far to hear or he just couldn’t understand but it didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything. 

The man stepped away, all the men but the executioner leaving the stage, leaving Eren all alone up there in front of all those people waiting for his blood. There was a collective hum of anticipation and Levi wanted to leave, he  _ wanted _ to – but he was frozen. 

_ Eren _ .

He had heard all kinds of stories over the years about what it was like to die. It helped some people cope, he guessed. Levi had always just prefered to talk about it as little as possible and work towards the goal of no more corp deaths. But there was the pervasive idea that in the moment before your brain died your life would flash before you and you would remember everything you had done. 

Whether that were true or not, Levi couldn’t say, but as he watched Eren, it was like every moment over the past few years careened across his brain and he just... Every look, every touch, every near miss and every success, every moment he fell asleep next to him and every pleaded request, every tear and every smile, every thing, everything,  _ everything _ ... 

And it wasn’t enough. 

When the blade came down there was a gasp from the crowd but the whole thing was fantastically dull given the dramatic way he was used to seeing death. Hell, he’d practically performed the exact same thing a thousand times. The blade was probably made of the same steel as the blades of his maneuvering gear. There was the slice of the blade through the air, a clean slice, a pool of blood, a severed head in a basket but...

Levi sat there for a long time – unthinking, unmoving, unfeeling. The crowd eventually dispersed, the body was removed, the area cleaned perfunctorily. The sun peaked and began to set. At some point Hanji scaled up the building to sit with him. The guillotine was removed. 

“It’s over,” Hanji murmured at last. 

Levi’s whole face hurt and finally he buried it back in his knees, wishing he could wrap himself up enough to escape the world. He could still smell Eren on his clothes. Eren. Betrayed by his fellow man at the final moment.

“He was human,” Levi whispered, so quiet he doubted Hanji could even hear him over the late afternoon breeze. 

“I know,” Hanji agreed, shifting her glasses and leaning in against him. “But...”

“It’s over,” Levi repeated flatly, the finality of the words on his lips doing nothing for his mental state. Then, he continued, lifting his head just a little to look at her from the cocoon he’d created with his arms. 

“But what do we do now?” 

Hanji didn’t reply. 


End file.
